| Review: |
 First
up: the itinerary. This was a 7-day cruise on the Disney Magic to the
Western Caribbean, looking something like this:
SATURDAY - LEAVE
PORT CANAVERAL AT 5:00 P.M.
SUNDAY - KEY WEST (7 hours ashore, all daylight hours)
MONDAY - (IN TRANSIT)
TUESDAY - GRAND CAYMAN (8 hours ashore, all daylight hours)
WEDNESDAY - COZUMEL, MEXICO (9 hours ashore, all daylight hours) THURSDAY
- (IN TRANSIT)
FRIDAY - CASTAWAY CAY (7 hours ashore, all daylight hours)
SATURDAY - DISEMBARK AT PORT CANAVERAL AT 9:00 A.M.
Whenever the ship isn't docked at one of the above resorts, it's underway
to the next port of call, meaning it also steams overnight at full speed,
or something very near to it.
For those who don't know, the last port of call is at Disney's own island,
Castaway Cay. For reasons I cannot seem to pin down, Castaway Cay is pronounced
"key," not "cay." That was about the only detail I did know before boarding.
There are other types of Disney cruises. For instance, the Wonder sails
from the same Port Canaveral (a 45-minute drive from WDW, with free buses
available) and travels around the Eastern Caribbean, making a similar
one-day stop at Castaway Cay. There are also three-day cruises available.
Let's start with the things that "work" about the cruise I experienced,
roughly in order of importance:
1. There are TONS of things to do!
You'd think that a week would be plenty of time to get bored, read some
books, or maybe just soak up the rays. That was my plan, but it never
came to that for me. It honestly took a week to explore all the nooks
and crannies of this ship, and we didn't even take part in a quarter of
the possible games, activities, and events. Probably more like a tenth.
Honest! We barely poked our heads into half the establishments, bars,
and clubs, too. Just enough time to take a photo, usually. In this respect,
the DCL experience is a bit like Pirates of the Caribbean. Walt allowed
that show to be cacophonous and "busy" since he knew it would draw repeat
customers. If anything, I now need a vacation to rest up from my vacation.
I suppose I could have prioritized the sunbathing and reading. Maybe next
time.
2. The Cast Members are FIRST-RATE.
On cruises, you have the same person making up the bed (and providing
turndown service) day after day, and you have the same server and assistant
server each night in the dining rooms. You're encouraged to tip them at
the end of the week, to the tune of about $25/person for the server, $20/person
for the assistant server, and $25/person for the stateroom cleaner. But
lots of cruise lines have great help when it comes to the folks who get
tipped. What impressed me were the non-tipping moments. The guy in the
buffet who grabbed us a packet of cereal "to go" even though they had
closed 20 minutes earlier. The manager in the Treasure Ketch store who
was delighted to hand us an empty merchandise bag (we wanted to carry
something easier) despite not being open for another 15 minutes. Everyone
has a smile and really cares if your day is going well. This is the kind
of service Disney is famous for, although it's in shorter supply these
days in the theme parks than on the cruise ship, in my initial opinion.
3. The stage shows were surprisingly good.
Every inch is precious on a ship, so they can't have a lot of room to
work with backstage, I thought, ergo these shows are going to be paragons
of mediocrity. Not so. I have no idea how they crammed in equipment to
offer theme park-quality shows, set pieces, and special effects, but I
was certainly wowed. There were several shows, a different one each night
of the week. Several amounted to little more than musical revues of multiple
Disney animated musicals, but they were well orchestrated, interestingly
staged, and even strung together with meta-narratives that didn't come
off as too cloying, a trap that many attempts in the theme parks cannot
seem to avoid. I rated each of the shows here above Disneyland's Animazement,
and even considered going to a second show a couple of times.
4. Lots and lots of food. Good Food. Even Great Food.
It's common knowledge that you can gain weight on a cruise, for they feed
you all you can eat. That means the quick-service places like Pluto's
Dog House simply hand you, free of cost, whatever you point at on the
menu. For those who like "Disney-Fries" this is a mighty dangerous thing
to have at your fingertips. It spoiled us, the way free videogames spoil
us at DisneyQuest. Paying for that kind of fast food will be hard in the
future. There's also a self-service beverage station with free unlimited
sodas, yours for the taking all week. But it's not the quick-service people
think of when they go on a cruise; it's the haute cuisine. Not being rich,
I don't eat at fine restaurants nearly enough to be blasé or jaded about
the food that was served nightly on the ship. It tasted like it was all
three-star food or higher, and more or less all you can eat. Want more
lobster tail? Just ask. No tips until the end of the week, as we said
above.
5. There is no shortage of special "programming" and activities for kids.
There's a nursery for kids under three, and a series of playgroups you
can join for age ranges above that (like 3-5, 5-7, etc). Parents often
use this opportunity for babysitting to take in a formal dinner (there's
an even more exclusive dinner restaurant called Palo that requires reservations
and a $10/person supplement). The babysitting does cost money for infants
and kids not yet potty-trained, but it's a reasonable price ($12/hour)
and the kids REALLY have a lot to do. For older kids, the babysitting
is free. There are swarms of CMs working the kids zone, moving from one
30-minute structured activity to the next. Every single child I saw, bar
none, was having a blast.
6. The cabins had just the right Disney touch.
Rather than overwhelm the décor with Disney characters, someone wisely
chose a more subtle look. Photos of Walt adorn the walls, as does a framed
line of sheet music from "Candle on the Water." Otherwise, character references
are small, integrated, and do not stand out, allowing the room to look
like a normal hotel room, but with subtle Disney adornments. But what
I really liked was the television. Disney took advantage of its library
to offer not one, but TWO stations on the TV dedicated to showing their
animated movies full time. One shows modern movies, the other the animated
classics (although I winced when I saw that movies of the 90s sometimes
counted as classics). Brilliant! If Disney resort hotels don't do this,
they sure as heck should. Nothing surrounds you with that vaunted Disney
magic like dominating the electronic programming.
If the above sounded unbelievably positive, it's because I'm girding you
for the blistering negatives to follow. There were, alas, just as many
things wrong as there were right.
1. The materials sent by mail before the cruise were woefully inadequate.
Here's a quote from one part of the booklet they sent before the cruise:
Nice Dining
Attire: Most restaurants require cruise casual wear. No shorts, swimwear
or tank tops, please. A dress shirt or jacket is recommended for men,
and a dress or pantsuit for women, at Lumiere's and Palo.
You need to know what this really means in practice, or you'll be the
only one wearing clothes too informal: it really means you need to bring
Hawaiian print button down shirts and polo shirts. And Dockers. If you
show up in T-shirts and jeans, as you might after having read Disney's
lame guidance, you'll feel out of place.
I could run through the same review of the formal wear, which is mentioned
as "Optional Formal Attire" in the pre-cruise booklet. When they say "optional,"
do they mean I could elect to go to the restaurant that had the dress-up
party or I could choose to visit a different establishment and still get
my fine dining cruise meal? Because that's what the verbiage sounds like.
But it's not what happens. Everyone, and I mean everyone, dresses up in
tuxedoes or something very close to it. What happened to "optional"? I
guess this is another night of fast food. A hint for you writers of the
pre-cruise booklets: some transparency would help. A lot.
A final note about the pre-cruise packet: it is remarkably unusable as
a driving guide. I know they expect most people to take Disney busses
from WDW, but could they not provide better directions for those who wish
to travel by personal car? Would it kill them to say which of the two
terminals in Port Canaveral is home to the Disney Cruise Line? The answer
turned out to be obvious and well-marked on signs, but I had to endure
a few hours of anxiety until I actually got there. They should fix that.
2. The excellent programming for kids, though extensive, had the unfortunate
side effect of splitting the family.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: just because something is popular
with Guests and profitable for the company does not mean it should be
done. My usual hyperbole is to imagine blackjack gambling on the steamboat
in Frontierland. It would be popular and profitable, but still fly in
the face of what Disney stands for. The same could be said about splitting
up the family on DCL. Think about it. You could give kids personal X-Boxes
on this cruise, and they'd be happy. Would that be a "Disney" experience?
I can recall commercials from several years ago, where kids commanded
their parents to go away and felt pity for the parents, since the kids
had such big plans on the boat. Indeed, there are that many things to
do. But I couldn't help but notice just how many of these activities were
designed to be things that are done by either kids alone, or parents alone.
There is a teens-only club, an adult-only bar, and a kids-only playground.
These may be common things on cruise lines. In fact, they probably are.
What happened to Disney as trend-setter, as leader in new ideas? Where
are the whole-family-together activities that fit the theme of water,
boats, and Caribbean? It doesn't take a lot of imagination to come up
with some ideas. How about an onboard water park, with splash zones and
waterfalls themed to pirate cavern hideaways? It need not take up a lot
of real estate to be popular and fun. The possibilities are limitless.
Can a dark ride fit on a ship? A PeopleMover? This is Disney, after all.
3. The cash register never stopped ringing (aka, Disney's greed was WAY
too evident).
If this had been a cruise ship by some other operator, I would have expected
to be accosted every few minutes and given the "hard sell." But Disney
is famous for never really doing that, at least in the theme parks.
Well, kiss that illusion goodbye. Before the ship even casts off, we were
offered Bahama Mama alcoholic drinks twice (without them mentioning that
to say "yes" would have cost money). Someone else came by, offering to
sell us a crate of bottled water, an act that would later be repeated
each time we stepped off the boat.
I don't blame them for charging for alcohol-that's expected. But did they
really have to seek payment for the video games? If you can get free games
at DisneyQuest for a measly $35, surely a cruise will feature free video
games, since it costs so much (see below). But no, the games cost extra.
That's just money grubbing. The same could be said for the spa. And while
the gym was free, it was located next to the not-free spa, leading to
a less than fully comfortable passage to the free gym.
I was especially annoyed by the daily photocopies handouts that were distributed
every time we were about to go ashore. It masquerades as an informative
brochure but really must be called a shopping advertisement, pointing
cruisers toward specific shops at the ports of call. This is unconscionable.
Disney has never been about such bald and naked commercialism before,
but here it's on display. My guess would be that the various merchants
pay to be on Disney's list, and I'd further guess that this is common
in the cruise industry. I don't care. It's un-Disney.
The list could
go on and on. Parking at the terminal cost $12/day. a not-insignificant
amount when you're gone for a week. This is more than the theme parks!
(Disney doesn't run the parking lot...but couldn't they buy it and charge
less?)
And just why do
all the rentals at Castaway Cay cost so much? This is Disney's private
island. Surely they could afford to make the snorkel equipment free,
or at least not the enormous sums we saw (I forget the actual price
- $25/day?) That they charge for floats and other typical fun-in-the-sun
equipment is just shameless.
They get away with it, in part, by insisting that people use their room
keys as credit cards, a trick also seen at the WDW hotels and parks. It's
an idea borrowed from Las Vegas, where chips replace dollars, and people
feel less guilty about spending money they cannot feel.
Be that as it may, the fleecing of the cruisers is inexcusable, especially
given the prices paid to cruise in the first place (once again, see below
for that argument). It's especially galling because the Cast Members,
who are so hard-working, make such miniscule amounts of money under horrible
conditions. Would you work for $1,000 a month, seven days a week, sometimes
12-hour days? Sure, you get two months off a year, all at once, but otherwise
your life is on board. Your quarters are shared with others. And those
quarters are on "B" Deck, just above the engines and just below the cruise
ship managers (which is itself below the bottommost deck used by Guests).
Not interested? Nor are many Americans. This cruise ship, like many in
the industry, is populated by highly international crews, willing to work
for wages that are high for them, but too low for many Americans.
4. The paperwork onboard was disorganized and confusing.
The pre-cruise booklet contained a highly rudimentary itinerary, reproduced
at the start of this article, but that was the last time we saw anything
close to an overview of the vacation. Each day, a "personal navigator"
would appear in our stateroom, something akin to the Show Guide seen in
the Disney parks, showing operating hours, dining hours, and events and
shows on the ship. That's fine and dandy, but why dole this out day by
day? What's to be gained by not giving the entire week in one booklet?
It just created confusion.
Worse yet, the personal navigators weren't personalized at all. Cruisers
rotated through the three formal dining rooms, meaning they had to know
where their meal was each night. Without personalization, these daily
guides not only created clutter, they failed to live up to their names
and their promise.
5. This "Disney Cruise" had too much "cruise" and not enough "Disney".
Neither the cruise shops nor the merchandise locations had nearly enough
DCL-branded merchandise. Especially lacking were the Castaway Cay-specific
items. Has Disney forgotten the lessons of branding?
But put merch aside for now. The much larger problem is one of vision.
Just what is "the Disney experience"? If you think about it, you'll probably
decide it has something to do with complete immersion in a fantasy world
and separation from everyday life. If that's true, why would Disney want
to re-introduce the "real world" via ports of call? We visited Key West,
Grand Cayman, and Cozumel, each quite real locations and very much part
of the real world.
Look, I know cruises traditionally stop at such locations. That's fine.
That should be what those cruises do, and people who want such experiences
should buy their cruises from Carnival and Royal Caribbean. Disney did
not restrict itself to the "usual" when building theme parks, so why should
they do that when it comes to cruise lines?
If Disney is about escapism, the pinnacle experience on DCL can be found
at Castaway Cay, their own island. Yet on my cruise, we visited for only
seven hours on this island. Seven hours out of an entire week! There needs
to be a minimum of three days at this island, and preferably options to
spend the entire week there. It's true that they recently added an alternative
cruise with stops at Castaway Cay both on the way out and on the way back
in, in response to Guest requests, but that's not enough. This is one
of those moments when they should do the deciding for the Guests, and
build in more days at Castaway Cay. Those visitors looking for a day of
shopping at a Mexican port of call should buy with Carnival. That's not
what Disney is about.
6. The overall cost was WAY too high.
Our onboard tab, which included shore excursions (a very modest one per
port of call), a few hours of babysitting, several alcoholic drinks, and
tips for the servers, came to $900.
But the rooms were the real cost. For two adults and a three year-old,
we paid $5,726 for our stateroom. True, we bought Category 5, with a nice
balcony and verandah. But even the cheapest stateroom, inside and windowless,
would have cost $3,000 for our small family.
Compare that to Royal Caribbean, whose identical 7-night cruise from Port
Canaveral costs $549 per person for the cheapest rooms, and $1,449 for
the most expensive. Carnival Cruises manages to upset me even more than
Disney, in that their website requires registration even to see prices,
but Orbitz tells me their prices: $569 for the interior, $869 for a room
with a balcony.
Bottom line: we could have paid HALF the price and gotten a more or less
equivalent experience. I'll be honest. The Disney touches and the Disney
gloss were nice to experience. But nice enough to pay an extra $2,500?!
Not in my book.
What I should have done, and only recognize in retrospect, was not pay
extra for the room with the balcony. We remember the room the least of
the things we saw and experienced, so the room type doesn't really matter.
That's pretty close to my ultimate advice for any readers considering
a cruise. Choose a non-Disney cruise line for your first cruise and save
thousands of dollars. Also, don't feel you need to buy an expensive stateroom
for the first outing. Given those money-saving tips, you may find it much
easier to relax and feel you are getting your money's worth, something
that seems in short supply on a Disney cruise.
Sure, there's magic around on the Disney Magic. But it costs so darn much,
you may have a hard time relaxing. You may start to resent it when the
slightest detail goes wrong. And this is the danger of premium pricing,
especially pricing so far above the competition that customers expect
perfection down to the last crumb.
We'll be sure to go on another cruise someday. But it may not be on Disney's
boats. |
